Guest Post (Fast): the Bespoke Joke Bloke - Office Gossip (Series 004, Episode 002)

Hear English presents a guest post from professional comedy writer: Joel, aka the Bespoke Joke Bloke www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

OFFICE GOSSIP (Fast)

 
You can get the mp3 here.  Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post. 

Cooee,  nice to see you.  How’s your first day?  How’s everyone treating you?  Nicely?  Really?  Even Jill?  Oh that’s nice.  I’m amazed she can still smile; she says it was Bell’s palsy but I think it was Botox.  So you can see how special it was for her to smile for you.

Have you got a boyfriend?  You can tell me I’m really discreet. I mean just ask Jennifer.  I didn’t tell anyone when she was going out with Brian from reprographics, who was married to Jessy in accounts.  They ended up getting divorced and Jennifer had a telling off from HR.  I mean who’d gossip about that and get her into trouble?  I reckon it was Harry the guy who does security.  It’s not his fault, he just likes a drink.  At lunch time, tea time, well most of the time.  Poor guy stuck on that desk all day long.  Do you like a drink? Oh, me? No, never.  Ever come into work with a hangover? Me? No, never…so, do you have a boyfriend?

Do you think any of the guys working here are hot? Oh no, workplace romances are always trouble.  Take Jennifer: I mean, she had to take 2 months off work.  She said it was back strain, but, my mate, who works down the pub and knows someone in the NHS, said she had a breakdown and was in a mental hospital.  Like that Jill, who went on a 6 week holiday to see her cousin in Australia, but, I reckon she was having a boob job.  She went out a C and came back a D; I don’t think the sun made them grow big.

So have you heard any good gossip?  C’mon you’re new; everyone’s indiscreet with the newbie.  It’s about me? What could there be about me? Oh, that I’m on a final written warning and performance improvement notice for bullying and harassing other staff members.  Well if having a chat is what the company views as harassment that’s their problem.  Do I have a boyfriend? That’s none of your business!

www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

Guest Post (Slow): the Bespoke Joke Bloke - Office Gossip (Series 004, Episode 002)

Hear English presents a guest post from professional comedy writer: Joel, aka the Bespoke Joke Bloke www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

OFFICE GOSSIP (Slow)

You can get the mp.3 here.  Too slow? Try the faster version in the following post.  

Cooee,  nice to see you.  How’s your first day?  How’s everyone treating you?  Nicely?  Really?  Even Jill?  Oh that’s nice.  I’m amazed she can still smile; she says it was Bell’s palsy but I think it was Botox.  So you can see how special it was for her to smile for you.

Have you got a boyfriend?  You can tell me I’m really discreet. I mean just ask Jennifer.  I didn’t tell anyone when she was going out with Brian from reprographics, who was married to Jessy in accounts.  They ended up getting divorced and Jennifer had a telling off from HR.  I mean who’d gossip about that and get her into trouble?  I reckon it was Harry the guy who does security.  It’s not his fault, he just likes a drink.  At lunch time, tea time, well most of the time.  Poor guy stuck on that desk all day long.  Do you like a drink? Oh, me? No, never.  Ever come into work with a hangover? Me? No, never…so, do you have a boyfriend?

Do you think any of the guys working here are hot? Oh no, workplace romances are always trouble.  Take Jennifer: I mean, she had to take 2 months off work.  She said it was back strain, but, my mate, who works down the pub and knows someone in the NHS, said she had a breakdown and was in a mental hospital.  Like that Jill, who went on a 6 week holiday to see her cousin in Australia, but, I reckon she was having a boob job.  She went out a C and came back a D; I don’t think the sun made them grow big.

So have you heard any good gossip?  C’mon you’re new; everyone’s indiscreet with the newbie.  It’s about me? What could there be about me? Oh, that I’m on a final written warning and performance improvement notice for bullying and harassing other staff members.  Well if having a chat is what the company views as harassment that’s their problem.  Do I have a boyfriend? That’s none of your business!

www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

Guest Post (Fast): the Bespoke Joke Bloke - How to Fail an Interview (Series 004, Episode 001)

Hear English presents a guest post from professional comedy writer: Joel, aka the Bespoke Joke Bloke www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

HOW TO FAIL AN INTERVIEW (Fast)

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post. You can get the mp3 here.

Not everyone wants a job.  Maybe you’re having fun living at home, nicking Dad’s beer and eating Mum’s cooking.  Or, perhaps you fancy the girl down the dole office. So, here’s how to blow that all important interview in 8 easy steps.

1 Don’t turn up on time.  Employers hate this; it ensures that everyone else’s interview is late and makes them wait around twiddling their thumbs.  And, don’t phone to say you’re late, I mean, they’re not paying for your credit are they?

2 Don’t prepare before the interview.  Don’t read the company’s website or about the industry you’re trying to join. I mean, they should know that stuff; why are they asking you?

3 Make a joke.  It puts everybody at ease and shows you’re a fun guy or gal.  And, if it’s really offensive, then you show you can laugh at anyone.  Even the people interviewing you.

4 Don’t dress smartly.  T-shirt, trainers and a baseball cap show you’re the kind of fit, go getter who’s going to go straight out of the interview and kick a ball around the park. Only geeks wear ties.

5 Show the interview panel just how flexible you are in the work place…by slouching in your chair.

6 Don’t turn your mobile off.  If it doesn’t bleep they’ll think you’re a Billy no mates.

7 Be completely upfront about your work needs.  It’s only fair.  I mean, you’re not going to accept a job that expects you to work late on a Friday or come in if you have a hangover on Monday.

8 Let’s face it, the job’s going to be boring, so enliven your interview by talking about your partner, de-worming your cat, and who’s winning X factor on the telly. And, tut if the interview panel ask you to answer their questions.  What are they?  Your dad or something?

And, having failed your job interview, walk home in victory.  You can’t afford the bus fare, but, that’s alright: you weren’t going anywhere, were you?

www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

Guest Post (Slow): the Bespoke Joke Bloke - How to Fail an Interview (Series 004, Episode 001)

Hear English presents a guest post from professional comedy writer: Joel, aka the Bespoke Joke Bloke www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

HOW TO FAIL AN INTERVIEW (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the following post.  You can get the mp.3 here. 

Not everyone wants a job.  Maybe you’re having fun living at home, nicking Dad’s beer and eating Mum’s cooking.  Or, perhaps you fancy the girl down the dole office. So, here’s how to blow that all important interview in 8 easy steps.

1 Don’t turn up on time.  Employers hate this; it ensures that everyone else’s interview is late and makes them wait around twiddling their thumbs.  And, don’t phone to say you’re late, I mean, they’re not paying for your credit are they?

2 Don’t prepare before the interview.  Don’t read the company’s website or about the industry you’re trying to join. I mean, they should know that stuff; why are they asking you?

3 Make a joke.  It puts everybody at ease and shows you’re a fun guy or gal.  And, if it’s really offensive, then you show you can laugh at anyone.  Even the people interviewing you.

4 Don’t dress smartly.  T-shirt, trainers and a baseball cap show you’re the kind of fit, go getter who’s going to go straight out of the interview and kick a ball around the park. Only geeks wear ties.

5 Show the interview panel just how flexible you are in the work place…by slouching in your chair.

6 Don’t turn your mobile off.  If it doesn’t bleep they’ll think you’re a Billy no mates.

7 Be completely upfront about your work needs.  It’s only fair.  I mean, you’re not going to accept a job that expects you to work late on a Friday or come in if you have a hangover on Monday.

8 Let’s face it, the job’s going to be boring, so enliven your interview by talking about your partner, de-worming your cat, and who’s winning X factor on the telly. And, tut if the interview panel ask you to answer their questions.  What are they?  Your dad or something?

And, having failed your job interview, walk home in victory.  You can’t afford the bus fare, but, that’s alright: you weren’t going anywhere, were you?

www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

The Water Cooler (Fast) - Bees (Series 003, Episode 007)

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

Free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler (Fast)

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post. 

They may look like busy professionals, but the staff at Colourful Solutions Ltd (Colsol), aren’t always as serious or hardworking as they appear, and we find out what mischief they’ve been up to as they talk around the water cooler.

Click above to listen.  You can get the mp3. here. 

Episode 7 - Bees (Fast) 

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post. 

Featuring the vocal talents of Sophie Iafrate (Susan).  (Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com'),

Susan: Hello Keith.  What have you got there?

Keith: I thought our office was looking a little drab so I have brought some flowers in to liven it up.   A little bit of colour will boost our morale.

Susan: That is a lovely idea, but I am very allergic to flowers.  Didn’t you hear me saying to Janet yesterday how bad my hay fever was this year? 

Keith: How terrible Susan, I had no idea.  Well, I will keep them to my side of the office then; I’ll even open the window to ventilate the room a bit.  Here, you can put the trophy I won for being a good team player on your desk; that will keep your side of the office from looking too glum.

Susan:  You didn’t win that trophy Keith, I know that you bought it yourself; your story for why you were awarded that trophy changes every time.  Besides, it is no good, there is too much pollen in the air now.  I will go and see if I can work in another office for the rest of the day.

Keith:  Finally, an office all to myself. The perfect crime! Eh eh eh.

A few minutes later…

Janet: Keith, thank goodness I have found you here.

Keith: I was only getting a quick cup of coffee, I will be back in my office in just a jiffy.

Janet:  No!  Don’t even think of going back into your office – it is full of bees!

Keith: Full of bees? 

Janet: Yes, I have no idea why, but a huge swarm of bees has flown in through your window.  Something must have attracted them, and I can’t see how we are going to get them out again.  We have closed off the room.  Thank goodness Susan wasn’t in there at the time; she said that something in there was aggravating her hay fever.  Ah, there you are Susan, is everything OK?  

         

Susan: Yes.  I was going to move all my things into the storage room at the end of the corridor until the bee situation is sorted out.  That will do as an office for the short-term.

Janet:  Hmm, I’m not sure that is the best room for you Susan.  It’s really dusty in there, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that room wouldn’t also set off your hay fever.  Tell you what, I am away on business for the rest of the week, so why don’t you take my office?

Keith: I suppose I will have to join you.

Janet: Sorry Keith, but even though my office may look expansive and spacious, it is really only due to the tasteful styling and clever layout of furniture.  Honestly, there is only room for one person to comfortably work in there.  I know the storage room isn’t very nice, but considering that you don’t suffer from hay fever, I think it is best that you take that as your temporary office, just until we get pest control in.

Keith: The storage room! That doesn’t even have a window.

Susan: Well, how about you take your hard-won trophy in there with you?  That is sure to brighten the place up.

The Water Cooler (Slow) - Bees (Series 003, Episode 007)

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

Free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post. 

They may look like busy professionals, but the staff at Colourful Solutions Ltd (Colsol), aren’t always as serious or hardworking as they appear, and we find out what mischief they’ve been up to as they talk around the water cooler.

Click above to listen.  You can get the mp3. here.

Episode 7 - Bees (Slow) 

Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post. 

Featuring the vocal talents of Sophie Iafrate (Susan).  (Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com'), 

Susan: Hello Keith.  What have you got there?

Keith: I thought our office was looking a little drab so I have brought some flowers in to liven it up.   A little bit of colour will boost our morale.

Susan: That is a lovely idea, but I am very allergic to flowers.  Didn’t you hear me saying to Janet yesterday how bad my hay fever was this year? 

Keith: How terrible Susan, I had no idea.  Well, I will keep them to my side of the office then; I’ll even open the window to ventilate the room a bit.  Here, you can put the trophy I won for being a good team player on your desk; that will keep your side of the office from looking too glum.

Susan:  You didn’t win that trophy Keith, I know that you bought it yourself; your story for why you were awarded that trophy changes every time.  Besides, it is no good, there is too much pollen in the air now.  I will go and see if I can work in another office for the rest of the day.

Keith:  Finally, an office all to myself. The perfect crime! Eh eh eh.

A few minutes later…

Janet: Keith, thank goodness I have found you here.

Keith: I was only getting a quick cup of coffee, I will be back in my office in just a jiffy.

Janet:  No!  Don’t even think of going back into your office – it is full of bees!

Keith: Full of bees? 

Janet: Yes, I have no idea why, but a huge swarm of bees has flown in through your window.  Something must have attracted them, and I can’t see how we are going to get them out again.  We have closed off the room.  Thank goodness Susan wasn’t in there at the time; she said that something in there was aggravating her hay fever.  Ah, there you are Susan, is everything OK?  

         

Susan: Yes.  I was going to move all my things into the storage room at the end of the corridor until the bee situation is sorted out.  That will do as an office for the short-term.

Janet:  Hmm, I’m not sure that is the best room for you Susan.  It’s really dusty in there, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that room wouldn’t also set off your hay fever.  Tell you what, I am away on business for the rest of the week, so why don’t you take my office?

Keith: I suppose I will have to join you.

Janet: Sorry Keith, but even though my office may look expansive and spacious, it is really only due to the tasteful styling and clever layout of furniture.  Honestly, there is only room for one person to comfortably work in there.  I know the storage room isn’t very nice, but considering that you don’t suffer from hay fever, I think it is best that you take that as your temporary office, just until we get pest control in.

Keith: The storage room! That doesn’t even have a window.

Susan: Well, how about you take your hard-won trophy in there with you?  That is sure to brighten the place up.

The Water Cooler (Slow) - The New Printer (Series 003, Episode 006)

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

Free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post. 

They may look like busy professionals, but the staff at Colourful Solutions Ltd (Colsol), aren’t always as serious or hardworking as they appear, and we find out what mischief they’ve been up to as they talk around the water cooler.

Click above to listen.  You can get the mp3. here.

Episode 6 - The New Printer (Slow) 

Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post. 

Featuring the vocal talents of Sophie Iafrate (Susan).  (Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com'), 

Keith : Good morning Susan, I see you are admiring the new printer.

Susan: Hi Keith.  Yes, it is about time we had a new one and, with all the new features on this one, I think it will make life much easier.

K: Absolutely, especially as this one is voice-activated.

S: Voice-activated? Are you sure? I am sure I didn’t see anything like that in the instruction manual when I was reading it.

K: No one actually reads instruction manuals. You need to just have a practice, a bit of trial and error. It is scientifically proven that there is no substitute for hands-on experience; reading instruction manuals is not going to do you any good. Take it from me.

S: I will feel really silly talking to a printer. It doesn’t seem right.

K: Oh Susan, you need to embrace the future! Just use a nice assertive voice and be clear with your instructions and the printer will do whatever you ask.

S: (clears throat) Print the document I have just sent to you, in colour on double sided paper.

K: Don’t forget to say please, Susan, where are your manners?

S: Oops, sorry. Please print the document I have just sent to you, in colour on double-sided paper. Printer? Did you hear? Print! In colour! Ugh I hate technology, I must be doing something wrong.

Janet: Morning all.  What on earth are you doing Susan?

S: I just can’t get this thing to print.

J: Well you’re not going to get anywhere by shouting at it, it can’t hear you.

S: But I thought it was voice activated… I was just practising with it…trying to get some hands-on experience and…learn through trial and error.

J: Voice activated?  Don’t be daft, we’re a sales company, not NASA.

K: I often see you struggling with technology Susan, and I hate to see this…waste of company time.  I think maybe you should take one of the lunchtime IT refresher courses that the IT department run.

J: Good idea, Keith.  Are you free this lunchtime Susan?

S: Well, yes, but I…

J: Great, it’s settled, I’ll speak to IT to arrange it.  

K: Ha! Ha! Ha!

S: Very funny, Keith.  That’s my lunchtime wasted, I was looking forward to an hour of peace and quiet.

K: Got you hook, line and sinker…Ha! Ha! Ha!

Later …

K (to himself): It’s been ages since I last used a laminating machine, I didn’t even realize we had one in the office. What’s this? Instructions for using the touch screen features of this machine. Oh, nice try Susan, but you can’t fool me that easily. She must have hidden the keyboard somewhere around here.

Janet: Keith, whatever are you doing?

K: Hi Janet, I’ve just got some laminating to do.

J: Yes, I guessed as much, but, what I meant was, why are you rummaging around underneath the table?

K: I was just looking for the keyboard that goes with this machine.   I think Susan must have hidden it somewhere.

J: Why would she have done that?  In fact, I don’t think you need a keyboard for this machine, it’s touch-screen isn’t it?  Susan, can you come here a second?

S: Sure!

J: Keith’s having trouble with this machine; you’ve not hidden the keyboard have you?

S: No, there’s no keyboard, it’s touch-screen.  You just click here [beep] and then here [beep] put the thing you wanted to laminate here and then click “go”.  [beep] … And it’s done.  Simple! In fact, the instructions are right here in front of you.

J: Honestly Keith, sometimes I wonder if you walk around with your eyes shut. I am surprised you can’t work out how to use the laminating machine, though, considering you are always saying how you are a technophile and even Susan, who claims to not understand technology at all, is an expert at it. Maybe I should send you on an IT course as well as Susan.

K: Oh no Janet, there is no call for that; I wouldn’t want to put you out.

J: Not at all.  It is important that you understand how to use all the machines correctly; it saves time in the long run. Having said that, from her talent with the laminator it’s obvious that Susan learns best from hands-on experience so I’m not sure the course would be much use for her, she’ll get the hang of the new printer soon enough. I’ll tell IT to expect you instead.  Thanks for your help Susan.

K: Yes, thanks for your help, Susan.

S: I’m always happy to help! Enjoy your lunch Keith.